bind my wandering heart to thee

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:12 ESV)

One way of fighting against present bad habits and sinful behavior is to consider the path that they have taken you on and where that path will ultimately end up. Much of my behavior in the past 15 years has been childish and selfish. I have not grown up to adulthood in many areas of my life. This puts me in my early 30’s and I can’t replace my broken car, I do not have my own place to live in, I am single with no prospects in mind, I have accumulated a lot of credit card debt, I am out of shape and little overweight due to lack of exercise and poor eating habits, I have not developed my talents and abilities in any significant ways and I just generally haven’t accomplished very much at all. I have been attacking these behaviors sometimes vigorously and sometimes not. Sometimes I begin to shrink back into fear and comfort instead of doing the responsible thing and doing what needs to be done instead of what I feel like doing. I must look ahead. If I do not overcome the sinful flesh in these areas, there is a dismal future ahead. The longer it takes me to choose the right path, the less blessings (or at least the less time to enjoy them) I will be able to have in this life.  I will be thirty-three years old in a couple months. In thirty three years, I will be sixty six years old. The path that my current behaviors takes me down will look something like this: At sixty six, I will be overweight and having to take several kinds of medication just to maintain a balance and stay in relatively functioning health. I will be overweight and not able to enjoy much physical activity. I will never own a house. I will be living in a rented apartment or an inherited home. But, ultimately will not have the satisfaction of knowing I bought and earned my own home. And I may not be able to even maintain the bills on an inherited home and might lose it. I will develop several health issues due to poor eating including high cholesterol, blocked arteries, heart issues, possibly diabetes. I will be in huge amounts of debt, with no hope for the future because I will not be making very much money. I will have accumulated all kinds of junk that brings me no joy and costs me even more to store and keep up with. I will spend my days consuming shallow entertainment and drinking and just trying to make time pass by. 

I will be alone. As I am now, I will be alone. I will have given up on relationships by then and will no longer even desire to have a wife. I will have never been able to love a woman the way that God has called my heart to love a woman. I will die without having fought for the heart of one woman and without fighting daily to be faithful to her in heart mind and body. I will never get to fulfill the dream of telling her that I was faithful to her from beginning to end. I will spend the rest of my life without anyone to share my daily struggles and hopes and desires and fears. I will not have an encourager and helper to stand beside me and fight alongside me. I will have no one to share my thoughts with. No one to watch sunsets and play music with and read books with.  No one to stay up late and talk with.  No one to laugh and cry with. Sleeping alone every night, waking up alone every morning. No one to care about the little things in my life, about my health and how things are going. I will never get to know a woman deeply and see her grow and blossom in the Lord.

I will never have children. I will never get to raise sons up who love the Lord and honor the women in their lives. Godly sons, who devour the Word and risk their lives for the gospel. They will love their wives and grow up to be men. But they will never be. I will never raise daughters to devote themselves to the Lord and to purity, who display their beauty through their love of God and not through their flesh. They will love their husbands and devote themselves to service. But they will never be. I will never get to know the amazing people that could have been my own children. They will never exist. I will have no legacy to pass on and no one to pass anything on to. My life will end and will not continue on through any one else. The end will be the end. 

I will accomplish nothing lasting in my life. I may get better at my job and make a little more money, but nothing eternal. The hopes and dreams of my heart will die completely, never having had any chance to even bloom much less grow into anything. I will never risk my heart and life for another. I will not care about people. I will become desensitized and apathetic. No slaves will be set free by my diligent efforts. No child, man or woman will be set free from sexual oppression by my work. God will raise up others to do the work that I have forsaken. No one will hear the gospel of Jesus christ through me. No one! Maybe 2-5 people in an entire lifetime will have heard the gospel from me! 2-5! That’s all in the length of an entire lifetime. God will not use me for anything because I will be unfaithful in all that he has given me and I will be selfish with his gifts.

All of these things are my future, if I do not change now. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. (Hebrews 12:1-3 ESV) 

Do it for the joy set me before you!

The joy of having a wife and children and of working hard and accomplishing much with the little time I’ve been given. Of raising children in the fear and admonition of the Lord and to love my wife with my whole heart and to serve her and show the Gospel through our mutual love and self-sacrifice. Of spending my self on something greater. To see captives freed!!! 

O Lord, spare me from this awful future! Make my heart diligent in these things that I would be faithful in the small things. All for your glory Lord. Let your will be done, let me be a good and faithful servant.

To the one who conquers I will grant to eat of the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

The one who conquers will not be hurt by the second death.

To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it.

To the one who conquers and who keeps my works until the end, to him I will give authority over the nations and he will rule them with a rod of iron, as when earthen pots are broken in pieces, even as I myself have received authority from my Father. And I will give him the morning star.

The one who conquers will be clothed thus in white garments, and I will never blot his name out of the book of life. I will confess his name before my Father and before his angels.

The one who conquers, I will make him a pillar in the temple of my God. Never shall he go out of it, and I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which comes down from my God out of heaven, and my own new name.

The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with me on my throne, as I also conquered and sat down with my Father on his throne.

I am desirous to have a deeper understanding of the Word of God. I want so badly to know if better and yet I feel so far behind from where I want to be. My goal in this is to read the entire Bible once through every month. It shouldn’t take me more than 2.5 hours a day to do this. I already have a good reading plan set up so I just have to follow it. I’ve been waking up an hour earlier every day in order to accomplish this goal. 

Lord, that you would sustain me in this effort. I want to know you and to wield the Sword of the Spirit through the power of your Word. Let me not be drawn away to broken cisterns. Increase my hunger and thirst for your Word. Reveal yourself to me. Don’t let me grow tired or weary in this. Renew me every morning to search you out and know you.